How to Apply For an Academic Job as well as Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Keep an eye out for job postings in the usual places: the Chronicle of Higher Education, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden when you look at the Vatican library. Pay particular focus on jobs located near the Tigris and Euphrates rivers when you look at the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads written in Sumerian cuneiform is going in the “definitely apply” pile. Same applies to any job that provides to pay you in livestock, grain, or small trinkets that are golden. For you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name of the school 666 times if you’re not sure if a job is right. If the mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely in the track that is right.

  • outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a ram that is newly-slaughtered
  • put the document that is finished an envelope, and then position the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, that you should bury underneath the search committee chair’s office
  • make sure to include graduate transcripts, an academic writing sample, and a mummified goat fetus to make your application really stand out
  • List every one of the worldly goods (grain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you would be willing to sacrifice to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it might probably concern,” throw it into the Dead Sea, and acquire willing to have fun with the game that is waiting.

    Wake up every morning and look the Academic Jobs Wiki. Then check to see in the event your bathtub is filled with blood. When it is, congratulations! What this means is the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Using the Babylonian urn you buried under the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld to the plane of existence, he has infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you are going to watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a circle that is perfect that will be an indicator which you have now been offered a job interview (you will even receive a contact about any of it). Okay, it’s time for you get excited! Pack your bags! (With a large crucifix and several copper daggers!)

    Sit down with the search committee.

    Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an unknown dialect. This could be the consequence of either demonic possession or a rejected sabbatical application. You should be sure. Show the chair the crucifix that is large copper daggers you brought with you. If he only essay writers takes one of many daggers and carves the expressed words“Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll realize that Pazuzu is going to make all of those other committee to hire you. If he attempts to stab you with all the dagger, he may require more persuading. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it is a secular school try yelling something in regards to the power of innovation instead). At this stage, Pazuzu will either help you get the work or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous smoke that is black. Regardless, you should thank the committee due to their time, go home, and wait for the job offer/writ of excommunication to reach in your inbox.

    You’ll have five years to create a novel, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and lay on an endless procession of committees, all while wanting to pay your student loans off and keep the illusion of your own life. Sorry, but even an demon that is ancient Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest seeking out a truly malevolent way to obtain evil instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.